*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”