*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Welcome
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.