Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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This one, by a wide margin
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.