*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun