*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
