*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.