*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay