*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
They’re the worst 😩
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
every single time
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
incredible text to wake up to
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬