@TheBoydP

*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*

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@_jennatural

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

@SaraMansford

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

@markydoodoo

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

@Tommytoughstuff

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@_steamy_mac

Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.

@MarfSalvador

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

@i_theindian

Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”

@therichards5

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!