I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.