My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*
*gets pushed off for laughing*
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!
<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered
<dog barks at door>