Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.