@mexinonblonde

*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

*gets escorted out of church*

You Might Also Like

@maurex23

[God creating the frog]
“How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?”

@ewfeez

[spelling bee]
Your word is “coincide”
-could u use it in a sentence?
Sure: When the nickel murdered the penny it was a case of “coincide”

@thepaulahunt

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@cuntyfruitbats

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@Scorpio1080

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

@Lisabug74

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

@EndhooS

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

@FattMernandez

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?