Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

🤣😂🤣😂

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.