*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Meow
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
How about daylight saves us for once
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
what could possibly go wrong?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Story of my life…..
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.