*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?