Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.