Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.