Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡