Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.