Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

Cinema or bowling

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“