Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ