Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me too door. Me too.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Meat Cute

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me