Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

you will never know the true number of layers

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.