[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
that would 100% work on me
