Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!