(Jupiter –
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
President The Rock Obama
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.