(Jupiter –
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Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
huge valentines day plans this year!!
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Waiting for the Charmin
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
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me: *feels an emotion*
also me: who in the hell authorized this?!
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it