Jupiter
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.