Jupiter
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Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
called in thicc to work this morning
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?