I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-