Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.