Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you