Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
