Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.