Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Uh oh 👀

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..