Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT