Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions