Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Camping tip: No.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle