Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
A great first step 😂
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.