Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

me: my friends:

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress