Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.