Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Covert ops

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

finally found a reasonable question

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s