Jurassic park gets weird
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.