Jurassic park gets weird
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I feel it
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair