Jurassic park gets weird
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is