Jurassic park gets weird
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.