Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

LOOOOOOL

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you