Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.