Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

So inspired right now.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun