Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
😭😭
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.