Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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Snapes on a plane.
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.