Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.