Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
2022 will be better than 2021
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.