Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
We know he can swim but…
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown