“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov