“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Huge, if true.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My background check bounced.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.