“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
shakira sharkira
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!