“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.