*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
