Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
so this horse walks into a bar
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe