Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine