Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
You Might Also Like
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
This dude got his own movie?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
