Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans