Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.