Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

that de-escalated quickly

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Only Americans understand

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man