Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.