Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan