Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on