Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.