Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician