Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
i was dropped as an adult
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him