Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u


*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then


If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.


The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.


[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes


New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”


As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”


• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over