@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

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@ch000ch

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

@Cyd10e

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@birbigs

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

@plethoricjake

As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”

@roxiqt

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over