Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.