Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
☠️ ☠️
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Stop being racist to kettles.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.