Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Don’t touch that.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice