Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.