Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws