Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”