Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Honey I made you some hotdog water

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me