Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

SCARY COSTUME

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

Thursday Thought.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?