Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Y’all know who you are.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers